apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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