i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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