God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
That's how pantless uber rides happen
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
