please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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