I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
