You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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