If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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