There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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