I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
