Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
