That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
