definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
