I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
