I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize