The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
