They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Your dad touched me again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
