Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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