Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
