I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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