Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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