Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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