yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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