another moral hangover. fuck.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
