Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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