I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize