so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
