We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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