I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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