I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
