I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
