His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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