Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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