it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
