Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
