like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
