When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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