Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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