I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
