Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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