y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I've blown a few things in my day
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
