The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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