Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize