Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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