Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
