On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
