I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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