I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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