i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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