Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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