It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
