her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
