I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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