I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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