Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
