im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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