Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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