you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
