i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
