i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I love you.
Bad choice
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
