hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
