i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Houston, we have a blender
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
