I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
