So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
