someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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