i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
PANTIES FOUND
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