i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
