he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
