Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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