Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
