I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
